K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
