Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
