she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
