Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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