remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I fill condoms, not promises.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
