I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
