The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
