Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
