Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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