i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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