Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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