Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
