It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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