I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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