I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
