i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
