You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
