im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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