My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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