I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
