the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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