When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
