god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
