theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
