I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
