Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
