Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
