I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
