i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
