I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
