I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
