It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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