Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
