I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
