This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
