At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
