Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
