He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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