If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
