I just threw up on my dentist
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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