I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
