Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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