im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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