I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
