so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
