East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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