After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
