I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
