I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
