just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
