In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
